never look back.
i think that’s how he does it. he’s the type of person who doesn’t dwell on memories, on things that happened in the past, both good and bad. when we were together, he never really thought of things about our relationship unless i was able to tell him something that would provoke him to think. otherwise, he would just think about his career, his spirituality, and, basically, himself. although this is not to say that all he thought of was himself. i think he would also think of me from time to time, especially when i was being ksp. wahaha. XD just not as much as i thought of him though. and now that we’re through, i bet he thinks of me even less so. hahaha.
i guess that’s one of my fears. him forgetting me. after all, what’s a one-and-barely-half year relationship he decided to end compared to, say, three years that left him devastated? most people tend to remember the things that hurt them than the things that made them happy, even just for a little while (assuming that i did make him happy in that one-and-barely-half year). i honestly believe that he will get over this in no time because he has been through worse. as for me, i’m the type of person who remembers everything. the good, the bad, the ugly, and everything that came in between. although i wish i could be one of those people who could say that “at least i don’t have to do this anymore” or “at least i don’t have to go through that anymore”, sadly, i’m not. i’m remembering the relationship for what it was: flawed, difficult, and sometimes tiring but still filled with happy moments that made everything else oh so worth it. this is what mostly makes it hard for me. knowing that what we shared was far from perfect but still seeing it as a wonderful thing i lost rather than an inconvenience that i finally got rid off.
i know there will come a time when looking back won’t make me ache anymore. when thinking about the happy moments will make me smile than cry. but for now, unfortunately, i have to live with it, having a conscious decision to make every hour to not think about him and what we once had—all one-and-barely-half year of it. i don’t know when this period will end. i have no idea when the morning when i’m completely pain-free will finally come.
all i know is this: i will never forget him—even when he forgets and finally replaces me—even if i tried.
